The Courage to Be a Great Father: Lessons from The Courage to Be Disliked

The Courage to Be a Great Father: Lessons from The Courage to Be Disliked

Fatherhood is a profound journey, filled with moments of joy, challenge, and growth. It demands strength, patience, and, above all, courage—courage to lead, to connect, and to be authentically present for your children. Drawing inspiration from The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, this blog explores how the book’s core principles, rooted in Alfred Adler’s psychology, can empower fathers to embrace their role with confidence and purpose. Below, we summarize the key ideas from the book and connect them to practical ways fathers can cultivate a fulfilling and impactful relationship with their children.

A Summary of The Courage to Be Disliked

The Courage to Be Disliked is a philosophical dialogue between a young man and a wise philosopher, exploring Adlerian psychology’s approach to living a free and meaningful life. The book challenges conventional thinking about happiness, relationships, and personal growth. Its central message is that true freedom comes from letting go of the need for external approval and embracing the courage to be yourself, even if it means being “disliked” by others. Here are the book’s key principles:

1.You Are Not Determined by Your Past: Adlerian psychology rejects the idea that past experiences or trauma define your present or future. Instead, you have the power to choose your path and assign meaning to your life.

2.Live in the Here and Now: The book emphasizes focusing on the present moment rather than dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. Happiness is found in taking responsibility for your actions today.

3.Separate Your Tasks from Others’: You cannot control others’ thoughts or actions, only your own. By focusing on your “tasks” (what you can control) and letting go of others’ (what they control), you free yourself from unnecessary burdens.

4.All Problems Are Interpersonal: Most struggles stem from relationships. To live well, prioritize connection over competition and contribute to others without seeking validation.

5.The Courage to Be Disliked: True freedom comes from accepting that not everyone will approve of you. By letting go of the need to please others, you can live authentically and pursue what matters most.

6.Community Feeling: Happiness arises from a sense of belonging and contributing to a community. This involves accepting yourself, trusting others, and making a positive impact.These principles offer a roadmap for living with intention and authenticity—qualities that are especially powerful for fathers striving to lead their families with confidence.

Applying The Courage to Be Disliked to Fatherhood

Fatherhood is a unique opportunity to embody these ideas, fostering not only your own growth but also the well-being of your children. Here’s how fathers can apply the book’s lessons to become more courageous, present, and impactful in their role:

1. Let Go of Your Past to Be Present for Your KidsMany fathers carry baggage from their own childhoods—perhaps a distant or critical parent, or feelings of inadequacy. The Courage to Be Disliked teaches that your past does not dictate your present. As a father, you can choose to break cycles and create a new dynamic with your children. For example, if you grew up with a father who rarely expressed affection, you can decide to be warm and engaged, focusing on the present rather than repeating old patterns. Reflect on what kind of father you want to be today, and take small, intentional steps to embody that vision.Action Step: Write down one limiting belief from your past (e.g., “I’m not good at connecting emotionally”). Then, commit to one action that challenges it, like having a heartfelt conversation with your child this week.

2. Focus on the Here and NowFatherhood can feel overwhelming, with worries about providing for the future or regrets about missed moments. The book’s emphasis on living in the present reminds fathers to cherish the everyday interactions that shape their children’s lives. Whether it’s playing a game, listening to your child’s stories, or simply being fully present during dinner, these moments build trust and connection. Let go of distractions—put down the phone, pause the to-do list—and show your kids they are your priority.Action Step: Dedicate 15 minutes each day to uninterrupted time with your child, doing something they enjoy, like reading together or kicking a soccer ball.

3. Separate Your Tasks from Your Child’sOne of the hardest parts of fatherhood is watching your children struggle—whether it’s a bad grade, a social conflict, or a mistake. The Courage to Be Disliked teaches that you cannot control others’ actions, only your own. Your task as a father is to guide, support, and set boundaries, not to fix every problem or ensure your child never fails. By letting your children face their own challenges, you empower them to grow resilient and independent.Action Step: Next time your child faces a challenge (e.g., a disagreement with a friend), resist the urge to intervene immediately. Instead, ask questions like, “What do you think you could do about this?” to encourage problem-solving.

4. Build Connection, Not CompetitionAdlerian psychology views relationships as the root of happiness. As a father, prioritize connection over comparison or control. Instead of competing for authority or striving to be the “perfect” dad, focus on understanding your child’s world. Listen without judgment, celebrate their individuality, and create a home where they feel safe to be themselves. This aligns with the book’s idea of fostering a “community feeling” where everyone feels valued.Action Step: Have a weekly “check-in” with your child, asking open-ended questions like, “What’s been the best part of your week?” or “What’s something you’re curious about?”

5. Embrace the Courage to Be DislikedFatherhood often comes with pressure to meet societal expectations—be the provider, the disciplinarian, the role model. The Courage to Be Disliked encourages you to let go of the need for approval and parent in a way that feels true to you. If you prioritize quality time over material success, or if you choose a gentle approach over strict discipline, some may judge you. That’s okay. Your job is to be the father your children need, not the one others expect.Action Step: Identify one area where you feel pressured to conform (e.g., working long hours at the expense of family time). Make a conscious choice to align your actions with your values, even if it means going against the grain.

6. Contribute to Your Family’s Sense of CommunityThe book’s concept of “community feeling” is especially relevant for fathers. Your role isn’t just about providing or protecting—it’s about contributing to a family culture where everyone feels seen and valued. This could mean modeling vulnerability by admitting when you’re wrong, celebrating your children’s efforts, or involving them in family decisions. By fostering a sense of belonging, you help your kids develop confidence and a sense of purpose.Action Step: Start a family tradition, like a weekly game night or a shared volunteering activity, to strengthen your family’s bond and sense of purpose.

Why Courage Matters for Fathers

The Courage to Be Disliked reminds us that living authentically requires bravery. As a father, this means having the courage to show up imperfectly, to prioritize connection over perfection, and to let go of external validation. Your children don’t need a flawless dad—they need one who is present, engaged, and willing to grow alongside them. By embracing the book’s principles, you can shed self-doubt, focus on what truly matters, and build a legacy of love and strength for your family.

Final Thoughts

Fatherhood is one of life’s greatest callings, but it’s not always easy. The Courage to Be Disliked offers a powerful framework for navigating its challenges with confidence and authenticity. By letting go of the past, living in the present, focusing on your own tasks, and fostering connection, you can become the father your children need—one who leads with courage, loves without condition, and lives true to himself.So, take the leap. Be the father who dares to be disliked, who chooses presence over perfection, and who builds a family rooted in trust and belonging. Your children are watching, and the courage you show today will shape their tomorrow.

Call to Action: Reflect on one principle from The Courage to Be Disliked that resonates with you as a father. Share it with a fellow dad, or try one of the action steps above to start applying it today. Your journey as a courageous father begins now.